I turned 50 last week. Kicking and screaming all the way. Made my family promise that they would not do any 'surprise' kind of thing. They obliged.
This birthday was more of a contemplative time for me.
What have I done with my life,
Where is that person I used to know, she was 32 that last time I saw her.
"She had just turned 32. Her and her family were adopting a baby girl. Her natural children were 10 and 8. She was happy, excited and hopeful for the future.
Something about having a baby again inspired her to get in shape. Before her 33rd birthday she was running an hour a day. Her legs were hard with muscle and life was 'hopeful'"
That was 18 years ago.
Life began a snowball effect after that brief stint of having it 'together' Toddler zone hit, husbands illness hit, financial setbacks, moves to a small townhouse from my dream house, another move into a fixer upper. Older kids hit teenage.
Why I was so unequipped to keep life balanced is something that I am not sure that I have learned even yet. Life hit us like a steam roller, and I have not recovered yet.
My body is the thing that concerns me now. I remember faintly how great it felt to be in shape. To not ache in every part of my body.
I hate to admit this, but I am a wreck. I have lost who I was, and what I was and need to find me again.
I need to start by getting a job. Presently I look after a beautiful little girl for the Aboriginal Children and Family Services, and have been doing that for income for 2 years for her, but 12 years in all. This will end soon, with the accompanying heart wrenching pain of losing her, but I know in my heart that it is for the best. My mommy days must be over now, if I am going to have anything left for myself, my husband and my kids and grand kids.
My first inclination is to apply at the local Tim Hrtns coffee shop. That is were students start out, getting their feet wet in the working world. I feel like I need that, kind of jumping off the little board over the swimming pool first, instead of going straight to the high board.
What would the 'high board' be for me?
My resume shows that I have expertize in dealing with high risk children. I have extensive knowledge and training in understanding and dealing with children with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.
However, I have never been to college. I have no degree, or college certificate.
I have maturity, experience and wisdom. But I am 50 years old without an formal post secondary education.
Somehow I have to take the plunge and jump. This means that I have to submit my resume to possibly the school district to be a teachers aide for kids with FASD, or to other facilities developed for people with FASD. I have to promote my skills that I have or face 4 years in college getting further into debt, getting 4 years older.
Wish me luck while I navigate this terrain that should have been climbed when I was so much younger. Obviously I wont get a position that I could if I had a college degree, but hopefully there will be something besides filling coffee cups that i can do. Not that filling coffee cups is beneath me. I just have this tiny hope inside me that I can do something that makes me see that the last 30 years of what I have devoted my life to will pay off in being able to support me until I retire in 15 very short years.
Where did life go?
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1 comment:
I am sorry I didn't read this before Lois. I hope you find something that enables you to use your talents. Here in the UK it is so much easier. People are able to train and get a qualification whilst working on the job and many of them who do are 50+. It called a National Vocactional Qualification. Maybe there is something similar in Canada. I don't know. Whatever you do don't write yourself off. I started my present job working with children and families at 52 years old. You may not have a formal qualification but you have a wealth of experience which is just as valuable. Good luck.
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