January 1, 2010

Is 9:00 am sleeping in?? Some people would think so, but I don't. This year I can count on one hand the times I have been able to sleep in.
Its not that I mind getting up before 8:00 everyday, every weekend day. I just am tired of getting up to mommie wake up!, mommie num nums, Her latest one. Mommie I want some coffee. . . . ( a bottle of milk and sugar with weak tea)!!

Toddles is my foster baby, I am raising since she was born, she is 2 1/2. I am 50 years old and very tired! Last night I dreamed we went to India, my husband and I, with toddles. We stayed with an Indian Family, where women were not valued, (I suppose those details were inserted in my dream as I had heard that on the news in passing yesterday). We ended up making the most bizarre decision, to leave toddles in the care of the Father of the household. She would replace his current 'companion' who was a woman of 45ish. !!!???? this woman fled to Canada, while the 'Father was taken up with toddles, and making arrangements with us to leave.
We were leaving for Canada, and the full panic and horror of what we had done came crashing down on us. Remember this was a dream! The rest of the dream was horrific scenes of what Toddles age 2 1/2 was actually going to be subjected to, much of which I cannot write here, and the frantic attempts to get her back to the safety of 'us'.
I woke completely panicked and unable to sleep. I got up and tried to shake the dream away. Each time I laid down again, my mind went drifting into the panic of it.

This I believe is the result of the stress that I carry around with me, as I care daily for a child, who I know is not mine, could be taken from me and given back to her family any minute, and who needs a younger, energetic mommie.

On the one hand her future is completely beyond our control, and on the other hand. I only have to say. I cant do this anymore, please find her another home.

I know that this kind of stress is life sucking and possibly disease inducing when carried for a lengthy time. This dilemma is what I wake with on January 1 2010.

We have faced this my husband and I in conversation, (not without tears) and have made the first step towards resolving this unlivable life we have gotten ourselves into.
Matsqui House is being put up for sale. This in our minds in the first step in being able to look at Toddles life with us objectively. You see we need the money we get from looking after her each month to make our life work in this little cottage we call home. If Toddles left today, I could not replicate the income that I get from her and we would be in dire straights within a month or two.
Our objective is to lower our lifestyle to the point where we can live on my husbands income and not have to depend on me fostering. This will make the decision to keep toddles, or not, just about toddles, without the pressure of 'needing' to keep her for the money.

Although this post may seem grim, for me, this decision although, sad and difficult, feels right.
So this is my New Years Resolution for 2010. Learn and change to live a less stress filled life. Simplify, so whatever time my husband and I have left together as we begin this 'new century' we will be present. Present to each other, to our adult kids and beautiful grandkids. Wish me luck, I will try and keep you posted re our 'new' place, (we already have one), our house sale etc.
Happy New Year to all my friends and family,

Love Lois.